ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
