It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
