I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
