Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
