oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
