yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
