so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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