My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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