She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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