Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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