Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
