I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
