im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
