I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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