what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
