If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
smell my finger.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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