I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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