if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
