quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
