awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
