3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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