Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
You're like the curious george of whores
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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