Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
This baby is an asshole
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
