youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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