The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
