I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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