I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
