I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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