You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
