Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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