Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
