Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
