We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i love accidental penises.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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