The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
