I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
