I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
