i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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