good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
