News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
