If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I faked an abortion last night.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
