I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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