I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
