On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Randomize
