Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
