it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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