Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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