"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
