i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Say something about gay babies.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Randomize
