thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
