WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
