I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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