There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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