i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
